A short time ago I wrote about our youngest son being missing. The intense feelings of loss, fear and anger that go with not knowing where someone is. I shared how I began calling hospitals, nursing homes, then the coroners. We went through endless sleepless nights. Days of worrying that took our minds away from work.
Many things have changed in me over the last five and half months. My longing for glory as a writer has diminished. The desire to continue work in the medial field has left me. My thoughts of having a big house, nicer cars, better stuff, all gone. Our relationship was tested over these months. We have been together for 24 years. Nearly his lifetime. My thought has been, how can family just stop talking to you? I understand this from my own brother, who only communicates with me every four or five years, or when he remembers I exist.
Relationships are strange delicate things. We each are vying for something in them. Some want sex, some money, some drugs, some a place to live, a car to use, or food to eat. Even alcohol can be the factor that keeps us talking and hanging out. Relationships get tested when we begin to play our own games.
Family is an unbearable mark of sadness for me. Mine was so abusive I ran away at 13. To only find that other adults can make quick victims of us as children. My journey through this life has been marred with emotional darkness many people never see. Women and men who hated me so bad they wished me dead, and some tired. Employers who have wished to end my career.
By my own hand I played a part in each negative and positive situation. Lovers with whom I had a physical attraction so strong I would have died for them. Yet they lost me through abuse and lies.
Emotional and mental hurt I clearly understand. People can be cruel. We can raise each other to great heights or descend into the pits of hell. We are like little gods and goddess's ever playing our roles out amongst each other. We have done battle emotionally, and many of us have just grown tired of the games.
You can read on Craigslist the dark desires of those who can not find fulfillment in the bed room. Those who long to have romance. Those who just want to cuddle. Just to have physical contact. An ever relenting chase for comfort of some kind.
My desires have been simplified with the knowledge that our youngest son was missing, possibly dead. My journey with my spouse exposed us to a darkness neither of us had ever expected. I thought I would just lay down and die. But then a call comes in telling us he is alive. We both wept like babies. Each seeking to allow the realty to get into, and knock away the dark thoughts and emotions we had now growing in us.
My career in flames but my step son is alive. No other joy has ever been so great. Other than when my wife entrusted me as a parent to her children. I bore great responsibility for them and have always felt they were mine. But I do not own them. I am not of their flesh and blood. I am but a distant reminder to them of the pain they endured as children with divorce. There is no worse a human than one who steps into a father or mothers place. At least in some peoples eyes. And so as the forbidden step parent, I am today saved because he lives.
Truth be told if I had one last breath to give I would give that to him. I have always loved that young man as my own. There is no greater pain or pride than to love a child, see them grow and falter and get hurt over and over. To not coddle them, but to allow them to grow to their fullest potential. I am grateful he is alive. I am grateful my spouse does not have to bury a son. I am more grateful I have learned about this sometimes sad, sometimes happy journey with missing persons. To all those who still have missing persons you are searching for, may they all be found. Closure is so important. We are fortunate he was lost, then found.
Written by: Derrick A Jasper February 19th 2015
Many things have changed in me over the last five and half months. My longing for glory as a writer has diminished. The desire to continue work in the medial field has left me. My thoughts of having a big house, nicer cars, better stuff, all gone. Our relationship was tested over these months. We have been together for 24 years. Nearly his lifetime. My thought has been, how can family just stop talking to you? I understand this from my own brother, who only communicates with me every four or five years, or when he remembers I exist.
Relationships are strange delicate things. We each are vying for something in them. Some want sex, some money, some drugs, some a place to live, a car to use, or food to eat. Even alcohol can be the factor that keeps us talking and hanging out. Relationships get tested when we begin to play our own games.
Family is an unbearable mark of sadness for me. Mine was so abusive I ran away at 13. To only find that other adults can make quick victims of us as children. My journey through this life has been marred with emotional darkness many people never see. Women and men who hated me so bad they wished me dead, and some tired. Employers who have wished to end my career.
By my own hand I played a part in each negative and positive situation. Lovers with whom I had a physical attraction so strong I would have died for them. Yet they lost me through abuse and lies.
Emotional and mental hurt I clearly understand. People can be cruel. We can raise each other to great heights or descend into the pits of hell. We are like little gods and goddess's ever playing our roles out amongst each other. We have done battle emotionally, and many of us have just grown tired of the games.
You can read on Craigslist the dark desires of those who can not find fulfillment in the bed room. Those who long to have romance. Those who just want to cuddle. Just to have physical contact. An ever relenting chase for comfort of some kind.
My desires have been simplified with the knowledge that our youngest son was missing, possibly dead. My journey with my spouse exposed us to a darkness neither of us had ever expected. I thought I would just lay down and die. But then a call comes in telling us he is alive. We both wept like babies. Each seeking to allow the realty to get into, and knock away the dark thoughts and emotions we had now growing in us.
My career in flames but my step son is alive. No other joy has ever been so great. Other than when my wife entrusted me as a parent to her children. I bore great responsibility for them and have always felt they were mine. But I do not own them. I am not of their flesh and blood. I am but a distant reminder to them of the pain they endured as children with divorce. There is no worse a human than one who steps into a father or mothers place. At least in some peoples eyes. And so as the forbidden step parent, I am today saved because he lives.
Truth be told if I had one last breath to give I would give that to him. I have always loved that young man as my own. There is no greater pain or pride than to love a child, see them grow and falter and get hurt over and over. To not coddle them, but to allow them to grow to their fullest potential. I am grateful he is alive. I am grateful my spouse does not have to bury a son. I am more grateful I have learned about this sometimes sad, sometimes happy journey with missing persons. To all those who still have missing persons you are searching for, may they all be found. Closure is so important. We are fortunate he was lost, then found.
Written by: Derrick A Jasper February 19th 2015
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